Tuesday, November 30, 2010

train of thought-

Yesterday I had this huge, out of body experience when I literally saw the world outside of it's self for a spilt second. Enough to latch on to ONE of the many things that flashed before my eyes. I can't really explain it- because it's a day later.  All I can say was the way i normally think, or would have thought was changed. And everything that was spoken about within the same day, week, moment and what not...all came together. Like a true mad woman, i ran to my room and got my red journal. A book of the most RANDOM of words, phrases and doodles. I get these moments a lot but this.....was profound. It began from the bowl of NOOR food. (middle eastern foods) I had gotten it the night before. A collection of meats: Spicy chicken and lamb covered in a white sauce, over rice and a salad. It was bomb. With too much to eat, i saved it and brought it home. The next day was lunch time and i figured i'd eat it. "We don't waste in the country" is a phrase FOREVER implanted in my brain from my dad. But back on track....so i go to eat this meal and it's just not going well as it did the other night. I start to panic because it's NOW that i am having this huge revelation in my kitchen. I just remember hating how this food tasted and how the texture of it, really bothered me. Which then brought me back to as of lately i've been having this hard time eating meats. And let me just first state, I LOVE a fat juicy stake, medium rare to rare. But as of 4 months ago, some meals have been giving me a panic attack. I've never had this before, stupid i'm aware. If i begin to feel the texture, and/or think about the meat itself...I bug out. To the point, i love lobster but 3 years back I remember clear as day my mom making lobster for Christmas dinner and when she placed it on my plate I began to...basically disetc it like a science project and it just bugged me out....full blown panic attack at the table. and since then, i haven't eaten it. Even a scene from a David Lynch movie called "Earserhead" popped into my head. In this fucked up of a movie, cooked baby chicken is being served for dinner, but it still moves and bleeds and gets eaten....BUT TO GET BACK TO THE MAIN FOCUS....so it's been really bothering me. Now, rewind back into this crazy revelation and further before that day.....Takes you well, me back to my vacation where i met this older lady and her daughter. Her daughter a vegetarian. The mother...well here's her story. I randomly found myself talking to this lady and her daughter... the mother asked me how i liked the food on the ship...spoke my piece, not even knowing what i really did think just rambled to end it. I somehow reversed the question and thats when it it home. She had began to tell me how it was hard. Hard for her daughter and hard for her to eat. Being it was in fact Thanksgiving and her daughter was a vegetarian, got it....hard. She, on the other hand shared a story that was wild. She was one day baking cookies with her daughter, when it was time to eat them, she had spit the cookie back into a napkin. She had thought her daughter went a little too crazy with the sugar/salt. Not the case. What had really happened is some freak thing. She had completely lost all the sense in her taste buds. Also gained the act of acid reflex. I felt really guilty, in the sense of how I was almost subconsciously selfish in what i ate. Which made me think of meats and animals. She shared that if she were too eat certain things, she would be sick for weeks. She pressed on how it's awful and now can't enjoy some of her most favorites of foods. It hit home for me, but only in the moment. Now, we channel back into my kitchen...with that story weighing down my mind, the unannounced meat attacks, and the idea of generally being more healthy which has too been a reoccurring thing...I realized maybe it's my time to give up meat. Sure, a little bit goes out for the 'animal sake' but i have got to be honest, i'm not one of those. Too many little moments that made me check myself finally added up. I do overall want to become more healthy. I ended up throwing away the food, and breaking dad's rules. (ha) I spent the rest of day meat free. I hope I can carry this out. By no means am i an overnight vegetarian, I think if I void out such...it will get me to the image i have in my head. Which is another train of thought but wayyyyyy to detailed to even visit again. But this is what happens, i carry this out until the next big the to have all my focus. Stay tuned.

What i'm working on:
+ Eating better
+ Daily Meditation
+ Use of candles
( by the way, claps for me. Lastnight i regained the use of being able to have an open flame in my room.
It was taken away when i lit the side of our house on fire, and also when my towel on my head went up in flames.)
+ Reading and FINISHING one book at a time.
+ Studying images daily so they reflect my life.

No comments: